Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
