oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
