wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
