I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
