Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
