this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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