You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
