You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
