the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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