and i looked up. we had an audience...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
