I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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