You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
