So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
