i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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