I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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