Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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