i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You can't special order awesome
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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