Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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