just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
