My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize