you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
