u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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