just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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