the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
