I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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