i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
