He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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