shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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