Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
