...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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