Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
