Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
