dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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