yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
