I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
BRING THE BAGELS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
