Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
