There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
nutella sex= disaster
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
