I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think i have two assholes
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
