I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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