my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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