Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
