Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
