Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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