The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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