next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
