i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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