I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
