I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
