sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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