So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
