Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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