Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
