shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I FOUND THE LEGS
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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