Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
