I love how my cats smell like pot.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
