i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
