can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
