remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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