my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the condom got lost in my hair
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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