Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
