First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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