we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I supernannyed him into submission
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
