The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
