You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
