I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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