remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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